There
is a wonderful analogy called “Rooster Coop” in the book “The White Tiger”. It
is basically how the Roosters in the butcher shop tied in a wire mesh, keep
seeing its fellow roosters getting butchered right before them and knowing very
well that their time is just around the corner. We Indians can patent this
theory for having its wide application in every typical Indian thing. One such
example is how we all get trapped in the same coop at the so called marriageable
age. We are all roosters seeing our friends and foes of our age or even less
getting hitched one by one. And we know we will be dragged to the butchery
platform anytime around.
The only difference being the
roosters inside the cage watches the dying rooster with dead beat horror but we
enjoy the free food and the celebration when our fellow rooster is getting
hitched. And the Rooster Coop is supported from the inside. Every now and then
you hear your fellow rooster constantly reminding you that your time is up and
if you don’t make it now, our life might probably end up in the stinky cage
itself.
There is no end. Really
There comes a point in your life
that you realise you are no longer that free kid to roam around weddings for
free food and to dance away to glory. Now the whole world wants you to return
the favour (Or I say revenge). You no longer feel like bugging your colleagues
on when they are getting married, because you know that could backfire any
moment. You no longer feel like meeting even your distant relative let alone
family gatherings.
Like how Superstar divides Life into
8 simple parts. One could divide this “to-get-married” phase into 5 Phases.
Each part is troublesome yet funny. You could never miss the hilarious tragedies
coming up your way.
Phase 1: Denial
This is the simplest part but you’re
just a beginner in this game. Hence you feel more perplexed. It begins when one
of your nosy relative bombs this topic in public and your parents ask them to
let them know if they find any potential match. You will be watching all this
with horror. Because you know shit is about to get real. My beginning of
phase-1 was a “Reality bites” moment for me. My akka just got married and went
to her in-laws place. That evening we had a bunch of relatives at our place and
suddenly I had this strange feeling as if everyone was piercing my
qualification which was at rock bottom then. My akka was earning 600% more than
what I was earning. I was nowhere close to the feet she has accomplished. I
felt like everyone was amused at the thought of me even being next to her.
This phase shall be easily passed by
denying everything. You can simply turn deaf to the talks about your marriage
happening right before you. Because you are very much convinced that you are
still a freaking KID. And if luck permits you can tell your parents that you
still need time to achieve whatever the hell you need with your life. But I’m
sure our obligations receive only chappals in return.
Phase 2: More Denial
This is an irksome phase. Well, all
phases are irksome. A Matrimony profile will be created and your parents give
life to the long forgotten laptop in your house. And gradually they advance to
mobile application. This person who created this website deserves a Nobel prize
in Entrepreneurship for having read typical casteist Indian mind set so skilfully.
In this part your parents even ask you what kind of partner you need. But you
are still in that denial mode and deny
every single thing coming your way. Remember you are still a KID.
These sessions become so annoying that
you feel like permanently destroying the wi-fi device in your home. But then
you control the urge because you solely rely on the same device and continue
being in denial mode which you have mastered by now.
The most annoying part is your siblings
team up with your parents and work in the background behind all the crappy
script they put up in your profile. And never forget the highly juvenile photos
they put up just to drive away any remotely good match you might just get.
Phase 3: Shit just hit
the roof
In phase 2 your parents would have
ignored most of the matches claiming you are too good for them but now things
are changing and the tables are turned. They are growing really frustrated. The
aim is drag you out of the cage. From”nalla meengal” we are now reduced to “meengal”.
You can sense their anxiety every passing day. The same thing has already
started happening to your friends. Now this becomes your topic of discussion every
day and you are more accustomed to this problem now unlike the earlier phases.
There are many hilarious moments in
this phase. If you keep pushing away all the matches, your parents will shove
their phones in your hand and ask you to search it for yourself. The emotional
trauma is for real. This is when the real fun begins.
Once you open your profile, you
realise what a freaking joke your life has been. All the Introduction they have
given about you are flat lies and silly jokes. For example, my mom had written
that I’m a soft natured girl, having felicitated with a gold medal from IEI for
my U.G Project. First thing I did was delete those annoying lines.
My friend and I have conversations
on how to improve our profiles. I would tell him to correct so on so things to
make his profile more appealing to girls and he would return me the favour. At
the end we receive same kind of responses and we laugh it off saying it was all
like “adjusting the mirror to start the auto”. This is also the time we
discovered that we both belong to the same caste when my mom sent him an
interest from my profile. We had a good laughing session and we gloated like pigs for never
knowing it before in spite of our 8 year long friendship.
This is also the phase when you see
creeps of the highest order. Girls with “Only America Mappillai” and guys with “Bride
should not work after marriage” tags still exist in this universe and have the
nerve to put it up so boldly. After much filtering, the 2 or 3 profiles you
find interesting never respond back. You realise that for them you are the same
scrap you have just abandoned in your mail box.Truth is bitter.
Phase 4: You never know
You never know when thing will fall
in places. Everything is a complete chaos now. You are really tired and your
parents keep encouraging you to try and figure it out by talking. You wonder
whether it has to be something like telling the other person that you loathe XYZ
Actor and if they like that actor that is the END OF THE STORY. There are also
instances when your parents annoy the crap out of you. For once my Dad told me
that the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life was to let me study after
+2 and never get me married right then. In reply I thanked him profusely for
which he gritted his teeth more annoyed.
This is the phase when you get
really envious of the people around you having married and settled without any
drama. I still wonder how they make it.
Phase 5: Acceptance
You
gotta accept that you ain’t moving anywhere. You will attain a Zen state of
mind. All the levels you have crossed will make you accept something because
you know otherwise you will be made to accept something even worse. And the
most mandatory part is that you have to act as if that was a well calculated
life decision. This state of mind is the beginning and a warm up for all that
is to follow after this big life step.
Some people have more phases but
that is beyond my scope. And this is the time when people believe “Love Marriage”
would have reduced half the burden. But given the belt and slippers coming our
way and the heartbreaks we give ourselves in the due process, everything just
boils down to the same emotional turmoil.
The Roosters caught in the coop may
or may not be a good thing in the long run but getting away with unnecessarily
pressurising questions to our fellow roosters could do so much good and let
them untangle their knots more sensibly.
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