Boarding the Bangalore mail a year back this day left me with a mix of incomprehensible feelings of hope, determination, anxiety, fear, and despair. However, this year kept me juggling between "No dreams are ever lost" and "Dreams never fit into our reality". Yet, there is, of course, an overwhelming feeling looking
back at the year with sheer admiration for things I have attempted and can’t
help but wonder how brave I have been to venture into new things.
26 years is, of course, a
bigtime to start that phase. However, the biological clock for everyone is
different and the things everyone goes through are different from one another’s.
Of chasing dreams and
figuring out new interests:
It is a year of surprises
that rewarded me with things I have made up my mind that I don’t stand a chance
anymore. Joining PG diploma in Human rights law in NLSIU was nothing but a
surprise to myself. Studying law had always been a long lost dream. I have lost
count of the number of people I have told that I once wanted to do law but
couldn’t, and hearing a reply that I should definitely have. Well, that dint
happen and don’t matter anymore was what I kept telling myself, until, I picked
up the thread from where I left and enrolled myself for the course. Sitting in
a classroom and learning law makes me feel that no dreams are ever lost.
This year has been great
in accelerating my journey in creative fields. My blog saw more number of
articles than any year. Also published my articles in various online portals
like women’s web, FII, Youth ki Awaaz and Tripoto. I still remember the first time
I received a mail that my article has been published on its website. Those
are the moments that kept me moving forward in life. I am sure I would not have
experienced these things if I had not come into terms with facing the world on
my own and trying to make a place for myself.
Also, it has been good to
speak for a full 5 minutes on a youtube channel for women’s day. Something I have
done only once so far. The vlogger in me also created my own channel and did
some interesting fact study and travelogues. The future is uncertain but, the
efforts I have put with the time I had in hand makes me feel proud of myself.
Whenever I feel bad, I go
to my blog and read the Mumbai solo trip blog I wrote in 2017. So, one such bad
day, I read it and immediately booked tickets to Hampi. These are the times my
impulsiveness has been of great help. Followed the Hampi tour with few more
solo travels and perfectly archived everything as blogs and vlogs to
reminiscence for eternity. The solo trips were of great stress buster
convincing myself that I can do almost anything. Of the many jams I made myself
out in the solo trips, some noteworthy moments are surviving an hour-long bike drive
in extreme rains and pitch dark in a route full of potholes; making new friends
and having them for a company for a day in Hampi and venturing to take bath in
public toilet in Badami. None of these things I have planned, it just happened.
I wish I could apply that in life as well to let life take its own course. This
year had also marked the beginning of my solo movie-going habit and trying to
use public transport as much as possible. It feels different to let someone
else drive for us and enjoy the company of fellow passengers and our own
thoughts.
One very interesting
thing that happened in my stay here was my showdown with my landlady. I had
lost my cool completely and vented my frustration at her for being so
disrespectful. In a city completely new to me, I found another place of great
comfort within a workweek and shifted. It is a whole new job for a person like
me who never had the need to go for house searching hunts. That is the time I
realized how much pain it holds when people lament about their house searching stories.
Professionally, it is the first time I did something on my own and got a decent payment for that. Also, it is the year I realized work-life balance is more important. Only because I had that here I was able to concentrate on the things I mentioned before. Otherwise, it would have been just work-getting paid-work-repeat.
Of failures and heartbreaks:
The year is not exactly a
bed of roses. Indeed the depressing thoughts and moments were completely there
even in my best times. It was only a matter of prioritizing one problem over
the other. I have always thought I should switch my stream of work. Many times
this year, the opportunity felt like almost being handed over but taken back at
the last minute. The pursuit continues and I hope it is not so far. I wanted to
learn new languages, prepare myself for something else, which have all become a
complete failure. Just convinced myself that it is not my forte.
Back in Chennai, I
carried my mask perfectly. I was that person who never acknowledges having a
problem. I never give away too much. It is because I was always surrounded by
people. I was the one to listen and offer solutions than look for someone to
share my problems with. The fact that I stay alone here and almost left with
myself all the time has made me shed the mask. I have no other choice but to
face the things killing me from the inside. I needed someone to talk to about
my insecurities and pessimistic thoughts that engulf me all at once. And I’m
glad I had the courage to face it and cry about it to my friends when all hell
breaks loose. It is important that I realize my weakness as well.
This year precisely
showed me how some people can be so close yet distant and sometimes very far
yet close. It is a huge battle where there are no winners but losing is almost
imminent from the beginning, yet, daring to trespass the territories that the heart had always declared uncharted.
Moving on, the year has
been a roller coaster ride with me enjoying the adrenaline rush at times and
also freaking out not knowing when will this all come to an end and if at all
there is a way out. As I always say the future is uncertain, but, every passing
day makes us close towards something and away from something else. And being
away from home for a year has done both greatly.
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