Never in my life have I
considered solo travels to be a yardstick of how ‘alone’ I can be. I just think
of it as how well I can ‘manage’ things. Solitude cannot be confused with
‘alone*’. Every time I post my trip’s blog or pictures, I get lots of love for
sure. But, at times I get hurtful messages as well-which can be loosely
interpreted as I am destined to be alone*. Over time, I got used to it and
have never really cared to explain. But, I feel I am obliged to clear certain
misconceptions around the A-word for some reason which I will come to later.
I might be 27 years old
but the only sibling in my family to still throw tantrums that I am the usual
‘ignored’ child. Middle child syndrome is for real, people. Also, the fact that
I am not writing a diary to keep it myself but a blog in ‘public’ about things
that matter to me means, I want people to engage with me for god sake. I have
no shame accepting, I crave attention as much as everyone does. But, if you
call me a lone wolf, I would just laugh at your face. I call, text and post
pictures in WhatsApp groups every night of my trip.
I feel it all boils down
to certain stigmas around solo traveling. It is generally considered to be for
losers who cannot find someone to go with (which I am) or for ‘unsocial’ who
can’t stand the presence of other human beings around them (which I am not). Or
it is grossly overrated like it is only for the ‘Brave’ (Again, I am not.) See,
all the theories are contradicting when tested. But, I can assure you, all are equally
wrong. Also, I can say this with utmost certainty that I am more social in my
solo trips than in any group trip. Say, for example, I have to constantly
engage with complete strangers around me like, “How to go to this place?” “How
far it is?” “What not to miss here?” etc., etc., and most importantly “Can you
take a picture of me?” All this in a language only either of us understands. Sometimes
I have to discuss random topics with strangers like whether it is ok for India
to keep following Reservations. Trust me, I did.
In fact, solo trips have
never increased my adaptability to be ‘alone’ a bit. Instead, it has helped otherwise.
I have started being more considerate towards people around me. I look for
things in my trip that may interest my friends and try to include them in
some way. Like, once I made videos on metro rail in my trip and sent it to one
of my friends who makes such videos.
Coming to why I need to
make this point of not wanting to be ‘alone’, I was reminded of one of my old
memories of visiting a doctor alone. I was asked to get a scan done which demanded to fill my bladder to a point that I might pee any moment. I had a hard time
coping with that physical inconvenience with my emotional state of mind going
downhill rapidly. Once it was over, I was able to console myself only after crying
buckets and getting some fresh air. Just the negative thoughts that culminate
is enough to depress the shit out of anyone. It happened like 3 years back but
still gives me nightmares so much so that I start freaking out in advance if I
have a doctor's appointment now. I see a lot of pregnant women reaching RSRM
Hospital alone, when I go by bus. My heart always goes out for them. I just
can’t imagine how strong they must be to handle that. The bus drivers too
become more compassionate and drop them at the gate and the passengers keep
craning their necks to look out for them as much as possible. I think about
what it must be for age-ing and homeless people to visit a hospital alone. It
just doesn’t stop with hospital visits. We all feel terrible at different times
and crave compassion from fellow human beings.
There are times I wanted
my friends to stop ignoring my choice of place to visit saying “I can go there
‘alone’ if I want”. All of us would have stopped ourselves from calling someone
we want to; cried ourselves to sleep; felt homesick; had terrible birthdays alone. The person
next to us may be going through much worse scenarios yet hiding it. If only our judgments don't cloud us into thinking that another person is too
strong to be depressed alone, we can be of more help to people around us.
No one wants to be
alone*. Period.
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